It is a controversial verb, to ‘trust’ in something, one which adversly challenges many of our basic instincts and emotions. After such a harrowing event as death how can you even fathom trusting anything? The soft, naive bubble in which you once lived in has been popped and you are exposed to the true evil of the world. Evil which beforehand you may not have even been receptive to. Where do you go from there?
It’s true, as soon as I lost my father I was opened up to a world of evil and vulnerable to many things. Loss of friendships, questions about life, knowing I would never ever be able to even just hear my Dad say I love you or I am proud of you and witnessing the ongoing pain of my family.
I was also left with some of the biggest gifts I could hold. Yes I had a grip of true evil but I also had the depth and intensity of accessing the flip side of this evil and understanding a whole new level of good. I am able to carry throughout my life true love, true happiness, true passion and true strength because I have no choice to pretend anymore. I know what real pain and loss is, I have seen death, I have sat on the bottom of the well and I have slowly begun climbing out. I now have the ability to access a true happiness because I can truly understand what darkness looks like.
Now with trust, it is difficult. Your world gets shaken and you are left with the aftershocks. The irony is prior to my fathers death I found it incredibly hard to open up to and truly trust anyone, even myself. As a girl I moved around many places, I was bullied, I suffered many family adversities as well as some big personal hurdles, so I had very little true trust of people. Infact I had no trust in people or the universe.Yet something shifted in me when Dad died. As you are well aware 90% of people disappear from your life after such an event, the initial sympathy is given but then they leave you to it, either with no understanding of what to say or simply too subconsciously scared of their own inevitable mortality. They still live in their bubbles. Yet those who stayed solidified in my mind that I could trust people, I could trust the universe that it had given me these huge gifts even during the worst of times, I could trust that if someone wanted to be there then they would make sure they were because it was evident. I could trust in myself that I have and will continue to grow in strength, love, happiness and passion because I will do it for him and I will do it for myself as I know thats what he would have wanted.
Now this doesn’t mean that in the future I won’t find it difficult to build solid friendships and have new beginnings such as jobs, houses etc but I can confidently say that I am learning to trust again. I am learning to trust that people want to be in my life for a reason and that the world throws at you only what you can handle.
“To persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man.”
All my love,
LJ x
believement 